Loneliness: The Hidden Epidemic
Who does Loneliness affect?
When we think of those who suffer from loneliness, we often think of the older population; perhaps those who have been widowed, have no family nearby or who are housebound. While this is absolutely a group of people that will inevitably experience loneliness, the real statistics on loneliness may surprise you. According to the Office of National Statistics, "Those aged between 16-29 are over two times as likely to report feeling lonely... than those over 70." (Campaign to End Loneliness 2023)
In my practice as a therapist, I often hear young people talk of the struggles around socialisation, whether that is not having friends to start with, not sure how to meet new people, or feeling inadequate in the relationships they already have. However, the statistics still shocked me. How have we become a generation of lonely people and why is it affecting younger people more now than ever?
Why is loneliness a problem?
So this may seem like an easy answer: it's horrible, right? It makes you feel sad, perhaps unloved or uncared for. Nobody wants to feel lonely, and we know that loneliness can in itself cause mental health distress such as depression, however, it can also have a detrimental affect on our physical health. Research actually suggests that loneliness is also linked to a 30% increase in heart disease, stroke and dementia (Interactive Journal of Medical Research 2023).
As a therapist, I understand the strong link between physical and mental health in many aspects, for example, if you're a diabetic and you're stressed, those stress hormones are going to impact your blood sugar levels. If you have chronic pain and you're anxious, that physical tension is going to cause more pain, so we often can't look at physical and mental health separately, we have to look at them as one - one body, one mind, working together. If our minds are not well, our body is not going to be well, and vice versa. The question is how do we reduce loneliness in our population, especially amongst young people?
Causes of Loneliness
Like all things, there is probably not one definitive answer here, but here are some thoughts on several possible causes:
1. Increases in online activity
It's great that we have access to our friends and family online, but do we get the same quality of contacts over a phone call or a social media status? Do we share our deepest thoughts there, or do we save that closeness for a long talk over a coffee or a few drinks? Another possible cause is that people show you what they want you to see online, so it may look like someone is having a great time, but we don't really know that. It can lead to problems like jealousy, envy, feeling inadequate in our own lives or comparison, and that's not healthy.
2. Covid
A lot of people were scared during covid lockdowns and spent a lot more time at home, on their own, perhaps shielding or protecting loved ones. For people who were already anxious, re-emerging into the world may have been scary and I think we're going to see a lot of longer term problems for years to come following the impact of the lockdowns.
3. Busier work/life circumstances
In modern day life, we are so busy all of the time and life is fast paced. If we're not working, we're cooking, cleaning, studying, caring for children, possibly working a second job or a 'side hustle'. We're surrounded by influencers who tell us 'We've all got the same 24 hours in a day' (Molly Mae, I'm looking at you!), and that statement is simply not true. We're surrounded by self-help books with names like 'Think and Grow Rich', 'The Happiness project', and 'Getting things done'. I am by no means slating these books, I'm sure some of them are very helpful, but the point is, we're a population that glorifies being productive, striving for more, reaching goals and getting things done. Where is the time to meet people and maintain friendships in that?
What can we do about loneliness?
If I had the exact answer to this, I'm sure we wouldn't be seeing loneliness on the scale it's on, but I'll give it a go.
As children, if we like somebody on the playground we can ask them, 'Want to be friends?' but it's not so easy to do this when you meet somebody as an adult in an exercise class. We fear rejection, we fear being 'weird' or that person not liking us back. We fear being ridiculed for having no friends in our 30s or 40s or for appearing sad or vulnerable for being lonely at a reasonably young age. Here's the thing though, loneliness does not discriminate. We can feel lonely at any age, at any stage of our life; we can even feel lonely surrounded by people.
In order to eradicate loneliness in ourselves, we may need to try something different. Jessica Pan wrote a book called, 'Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come: An Introvert’s Year of Living Dangerously', where she explored finding and making friends as an adult introvert. She did 'speed dating' for friends and used the Bumble app to go on friend dates. It was full of awkward meetings and awkward conversations. I'm not suggesting that everybody does what Jessica did, but as we say in therapy, 'If nothing changes, nothing changes.'
We have to accept that not everybody we meet is going to be our 'person'. To succeed, we need to accept failure, and this may look like rejection at times, somebody might say no, somebody might not like us like we do them, but if we don't pursue it, we will never know. Ask a colleague if they want to meet for a coffee after work, ask someone in an exercise class how their day has been, see what activities are available in your local area. Join a book club or a walking group, learn a new skill, go to a wellbeing group, check out friendship websites (e.g Meetup or Peanut) or go to your GP and ask for a referral to a social prescriber. It might be scary, but so is loneliness.
- Faye
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If you need help changing your life, Faye and Becki (F&B) are here to help. We screen any referrals to make sure we are the best fit for you and offer a free consultation.
